Silence
A Dog barks
Footsteps
A faint conversation
A door slams
car engine running
Off to work
New day beginning
Alarm ringing
Enter code
Shutters up
Doors are open
Customer enters
“Good morning”
Tills ringing
People queuing
Bags full
bus home
feet up
The day is done
Cuppa
Aaahhhhhh!
Nothing to say
And the atmospheres tense
So lonely living life alone
Your body is here but your mind is gone
You were never 100% committed
memories of the past hurts
You started pulling away from me
And I had to continue alone
Early days were so much fun
We talked and planned
But those days are gone
Now we sit in silence
You on your phone
This mornings dog walk was a lovely slow mooch with lots of sniffs, so I took advantage of the stops and took some photos.
Such a riot of colour, light and texture, a wonderful start to the day.
Hardship is good for you
So they say
Makes you a better person
Oh hurray!
Be thankful
For what you’ve got
Even if
It’s not a lot
Look to the future
Forget the past
And happiness
Will come at last
Seasons of life
The good and the bad
Forget what you’ve lost
Or might never have
This year has been tough
A relationship that wasn’t working and the death of my mum along with living conditions and health concerns has really left me reeling.
I lost myself for a long time in a fog of darkness, feeling angry and sad all at the same time, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was dreading the funeral and seeing my children for the first time in many years, but at the same time wanting to reconcile our differences and try to mend our relationships, I missed them so much.
Mums passing has been a shock for everyone, it was sudden and totally unexpected, she had seemed healthy! My youngest is the executor and arranged everything along with his wife, bless them they have so much to deal with already, on a daily basis with two children ‘on the spectrum’, but they did an amazing job, and continue to do so.
I managed to arrange some time with two of my boys to talk, and things seem to be going ok, we are talking at least! It’s a step in the right direction and I am grateful they have given me the chance.
My living conditions and health issues are still ongoing but the failing relationship is no more. I just couldn’t carry on with all the stress and pressure putting my health at risk of catastrophic failure, and I need time to heal myself.
Something like this shows you the people that are worth keeping in your life, those who ask if you’re ok, only three of them! and two of those are customers who have really been there showing their support, the other is a lovely friend who I met through work a long time ago now, but has offered support and asked after me regularly, it means so much to me.
So now I am alone with my dogs.
It’s ok, my day is still full of pain, but I have a renwed appreciation for the things I used to love.. music, Qigong, meditation, reading,sound therapy and photography. Filling my days to keep busy but also beginning to rekindle my love for things I had lost for a while.
Over the years I lost sight of my inner self and the things I loved because of heartache and trauma and I thought I would never get them back, I didn’t even realise I wanted them back.
It feels right.
Babbling brook
Tinkling sounds
Shining ripples
Pebbles and stones
Waving shadows
Shining light
Gurgling water
Rainbows bright
Under the bridge
Shady trees
Gentle echos
Rustling leaves
Hooting owl
Sunset glows
Peaceful sounds
Darkness folds
Living alone is strange
I’ve been part of a couple for so long
But my mind has regressed
Back in time to another split
Where music was my salvation
My support
When I played the old favourites
Survivor and Chris de burgh
Boston and Foreigner
They healed me then and help me now
Losing myself in familiar tunes
Sound therapy
And Of course the wine helps as wel
I wrote this about a lovely man I met some years ago. We spent a short time together but he really touched my soul. I think of him often.
Fly away
On wings of sound
Sweet refrain
All around
Music man
Play your heart
Fire and ice
A work of art
Passion your guide
Darkness and light
Feel the emotion
Use them, don’t fight
Pleasure and pain
Heaven and hell
We’ve your magic
Cast your spell
I never realised how much I would miss you
You always thought I was more for dad
So did I
I was wrong and so were you
Your passing has affected me so much more than I expected
I am inconsolable without you
I don’t know what to do with myself
I want to run away and hide
Lost in my sorrow
I am in mourning
For the loss of the man I once loved
We’ve been together a lifetime
Faced loss and adversity
But you gave up
Left me to face things alone
Pulling away bit by bit over the years
Until there was nothing left
No common ground
Nothing shared
Just Unfulfilled promises
And broken dreams
The emptiness and the hurt are overwhelming
and so I mourn
a future lost
What could have been
Silva musings 