A relationship that wasn’t working and the death of my mum along with living conditions and health concerns has really left me reeling.
I lost myself for a long time in a fog of darkness, feeling angry and sad all at the same time, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was dreading the funeral and seeing my children for the first time in many years, but at the same time wanting to reconcile our differences and try to mend our relationships, I missed them so much.
Mums passing has been a shock for everyone, it was sudden and totally unexpected, she had seemed healthy! My youngest is the executor and arranged everything along with his wife, bless them they have so much to deal with already, on a daily basis with two children ‘on the spectrum’, but they did an amazing job, and continue to do so.
I managed to arrange some time with two of my boys to talk, and things seem to be going ok, we are talking at least! It’s a step in the right direction and I am grateful they have given me the chance.
My living conditions and health issues are still ongoing but the failing relationship is no more. I just couldn’t carry on with all the stress and pressure putting my health at risk of catastrophic failure, and I need time to heal myself.
Something like this shows you the people that are worth keeping in your life, those who ask if you’re ok, only three of them! and two of those are customers who have really been there showing their support, the other is a lovely friend who I met through work a long time ago now, but has offered support and asked after me regularly, it means so much to me.
So now I am alone with my dogs.
It’s ok, my day is still full of pain, but I have a renwed appreciation for the things I used to love.. music, Qigong, meditation, reading,sound therapy and photography. Filling my days to keep busy but also beginning to rekindle my love for things I had lost for a while.
Over the years I lost sight of my inner self and the things I loved because of heartache and trauma and I thought I would never get them back, I didn’t even realise I wanted them back.